from tuckertown to orchardtown

people have been asking me why i'm moving again

i initially moved to tuckertown, as opposed to orchardtown, where i used to live in my married days (not real town names - related to their real names in a far-fetched way) to be near my daughter and her family, because it was cheaper to live there, and because i wasn't sure how it would feel being back in my old stomping grounds/back to the scene of the crime.

i love being near the kids and grandkids, although i see them less than i thought i would, mostly due to my own choice to be alone and quiet after work

tuckertown has gotten much more expensive lately

i think i'm in a stage of life right now in which, on the hole, i prefer deepening relationships with old friends than making new firends, and my old friends are in orchardtown

tuckertown is on a hill surrounded on three sides by Arab villages

orchardtown, or at least in my part of it, is surrounded by Jewish villages

I find it much more conducive to creating a healthy mental state to look around and see Jewish villages than arab villages

I'm not sure whether this is coming from a part of me that is spiritually connected or disconnected

On the one hand, it could be a sign of connectedness to enjoy feeling surrounded by other people who, at least in theory love you as a fellow member of the tribe

As opposed to people who may be seething with hatred towards you and wishing you dead

On the other hand, there may be a fear element involved, which can be a sign of disconnectedness

On the other hand (running out of hands) sometimes fear is justifiable and can lead you to safety

on the other and last hand for now, i know, realistically, that i'm not physically safer in one place than the other

i'm going with my gut feeling that orchardtown feels like home

6 a.m. swim

definitely out of my comfort zone
probably out of everyone else's around here
i had the pool to my self for the first 15 minutes or so

I love to swim
hate to put my head in the water, though, so i don't
maybe that's the next frontier

just for the record, i once had a senior lifesaving certificate and taught swimming in Camp Raleigh in Livingston Manor, NY

another lifetime

switching seats on the titanic

One of the old saws that I used to hear in my days in Overeaters Anonymous was that switching compulsions/addictions was like switching seats on the Titanic.

During the first year post-divorce I stopped eating compulsively and lost 35 lbs., but started spending money compulsively. So, obviously, spiritually/emotionally, things weren't as great as I then thought. I was euphoric about finally having gotten out of my abusive marriage, but still had lots of spiritual work to do.

Right now, as far as I can tell, I am free of compulsive behavior most (75-80%) of the time. Sometimes, especially when overtired (another OA ditty - HALT -don't let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired) I revert to old behavior.

Of course, I didn't realize I had switched compulsions right away, the last time around, but I know that my awareness of the connection between spiritually connection and freedom from compulsion has grown since then.

the spiritual side of abstract writing

After the first couple of months of initial entry into my job, when I dealt with getting the hang of the mechanics of it, I started wondering about what I'm really doing in the world.

I think that probably about 10% of the articles that we abstract and enter into the database will probably ever be read.

So I felt for a while that I wasn't accomplishing much.

Lately I've been thinking that part of organizing anything involves a realization that only a small part of whatever is being organized may ever be searched for, but the overall organizing is necessary just the same.

In the olden days, pre-computers, I read that in regard to paper filing.

So, my colleagues and I contributing to the overall organization of information in the world. Some of it is even useful information! Maybe it all is. More on that later...

Also, after 4 months of reading such titles as Journal of Textile Chemistry, Law Library Journal, Journal of Folk Art, Journal of Preservation and Technology, Journal of Nanobiotechnology, Journal of Neurochemistry, Journal of Cell Research, Calligraphy Review Journal, Journal of British Aesthetics, Journal of the Philosophy of Architectural Education, Journal of Native American Art, etc....

It's giving me a greater awareness and appreciation of the diversity of humanity and of human interest and pursuits, and the silliness of expecting others to see things my way.

Maybe some day i'll even be able to appreciate the fashion and gossip rags... or maybe not.

At long last, swam

I can't believe I avoided swimming for 20 years.
Part of it was facing my weight gain.

But part of it was focusing on what I dislike about swimming, getting water in my ears and nose, and blocking out memories about the delicious feeling of the water surrounding me and the gliding feeling of cutting through the water when I swim.

I think I have a tendency to do this.

I didn't move back to the town I lived in for 15 years when I recently returned to Israel because of certain bad memories. but when I visited from time to time, I realized that I have many more good memories of the place than bad, and now I'm moving back there.

When I studied psychiatric nursing, I saw parts of myself in the symptoms of the avoidant personality, and I think this is part of the dynamics of that issue in my life. Focus on the bad, and cut it out of my life.

So, part of the comfort zone challenge will involve reversing that trend.

Connecting to my spirit

I am becoming increasingly aware that when I feel connected to god, mankind, and the cosmos, I have an inner serenity and eat in order to live (State A).

When I feel disconnected, I become anxious and depressed and eat compulsively (State B) .

I don't really know how to consciously get from State B to State A.

Reading books on spirituality helps.

Sometimes, reading other literature that puts me in a judging, critical state of mind can lead me back to State B. But I also like to read novels and other literature and can't see limiting myself to spiritual literature.

I have been struggling with the two states for the last few months, and now suddenly seem to have been graced with State A. I think that two issues may have caused the struggle - a new job and my Pesach visit to my parents.

Both led to my feeling of constantly being judged, and that seems to negatively impact my emotional/spiritual health.

I know that my recent reading have gotten me back to State A. I'll enjoy it while it lasts. And I'm very grateful for it.

A Voice in the Chorus

Last night, after I returned home from a chorus rehearsal, I began thinking about the reasons why I elected to start this blog, and, earlier on, spoke to several rabbis about my situation.

I want to increase awareness of the fact that there are many public figures, rabbis, in particular who appear one way on the outside, but who, behind closed doors, behave very differently, and whose families are suffering.

There must be thousands of us.

I wanted to add my voice to the chorus.

the comfort zone challenge

I've been challenged by my life coach, Sandy, to do one thing each day that's out of my comfort zone. That was last Thursday.

Here's how it's going so far:

Friday - got dressed in bathing suit for swimming for the first time in maybe 20 years

pool was closed

Still haven't actually gone swimming, at least partly due to women's hours not working for me

Tremped (hitchhiked) to J-m and engaged driver in conversation
I often sit silently in such situations

Played frisbee with granddaughter
I tend to avoid such activities
tend to not be very physically active
usually interact with grandkids through reading, crafts, board games

Shabbat - tiyul to natural spring
I tend to avoid rocky, steep slopes, which were part of this tiyul
huge fear of falling

Sunday - dance rehearsal for play
I originally signed up for singing, don't consider myself a dancer

Monday - engaged cab driver in conversation
he ended up asking me out
not at all my goal
in fact, may be the reason I often stay quiet
putting up a shield

The pool hours changed today

I haven't gone swimming in many years (20?).

When I lived in the U.S., until 6 months ago, I exercised at the local gym about 5 times/week on a regular basis and I'm sure it helped me lose my first 25 lbs.

When I moved back to israel, I tried out the local חדר כשר (fitness room). It was pretty depressing. It was basically a corrugated metal box with about 10 machines, half of which were not working. A far cry from LA Fitness. Of course the fact that the local population is about 2000 might have something to do with it.

Anyway, I started walikng semi-regularly, but now, if I don't finish my walk by 6 a.m., it's just too hot. I have at times in my life been a break-of-dawn walker, but now is not one of those times.

Usually, when I think of swimming, I am repulsed by the idea, or more acurately, by the idea of revealing my currently obese body. I did , actually, like to swim when I was a teenager, and got my Senior Lifesaving Certificate at one point.

In the spirit of moving out of my comfort zone, I decided to try swimming again. Bought a bathing suit, put it on this mornng, walked over to the pool...

Guess what? It's August 1st and the hours have changed. We have separate hours for men and women and the women's hours, which were 9-11 am in July, are now 7-9. It was 9 am.

I actually looked at the new schedule before I went to sleep last night and thought it looked the same as the old. Self-sabotage? Not sure.

I'll give myself credit for trying.

ddeear rehab plan

I'm trying to regain some of my old self, pre-abuse. Of course, some of the loss is probably age-related, or related to my fundamental personality, but some is not.

So this blog will just help me see, in print, how I'm doing with this.